Rejection & What It Means To Me

Part of the writer life is rejection. No human being accepts and likes rejection from the jump (okay, that’s a blanket statement, but what five year old wants to be told no?). Yet, we experience rejection throughout our lives, probably daily.

Since I’m querying, I know more rejection will come. BUT. . . I’ve sent out two queries before last week, both of which were rejected. I’ve entered contests, both of which I didn’t win.

So far I learned (the abbreviated version):

• Subjectivity. It’s alive and kicking, and you have to rationalize with yourself about it. Do you want help from someone who doesn’t love your writing style or story? I don’t. That’s like asking me to work on a math thesis. I will dislike you for it, and as hellbent on being a perfectionist as I am, I will lose patience and probably do a sub-par job. Math is not my thing, just like fantasy or romance can be someone else’s math.
• Are you ready? Ha. This one is a hard one for me, but luckily I have some of the world’s best CPs. No, seriously. I forced my CP Lindsey into answering this question for me. It went something like: throw document at her, run away and pretend she doesn’t have it, and get it back with a green-light answer. Keep in mind, I didn’t ask her to look until I was almost certain. As certain as I could be. Does that mean the document is perfect? I tried, but I think most writers usually edit published works in their own heads. So, things can always improve.
• Hope vs. Despair. I want to hope my novel will land in the lap of the perfect agent, but I don’t want to build myself up and watch my agent hopes turn to ash. Agent hunting can be a true test of self-worth. I remind myself that failure to find an agent doesn’t means my writing isn’t worthy of reaching the public, and nor do I think it should stop me from self-publishing. But balancing hope, skepticism, despair, and about a thousand other emotions is hard.

I’m not excited about more rejection, but I won’t let it stop me from writing and pressing on. If you search, you can find hundreds of writing journey stories. They are all different. They are all intensely personal. (More blanket statements 🙂 ) Rejection is part of this life, and I’m not going to let the fear of it dictate the path ahead. I need to remember what I’ve learned. Agent viewpoints and likes are subjective. I’ve worked my ass off to create an MS I think is ready to kick out of the nest. And I need to remain balanced. Hopefully, I’ll keep learning too, but in the meantime, I’ll handle what life/ rejection/ writing throws at me.

 

Roller Coaster of Emotion- A Pitch Wars Ride

I’ve writer friends who brave the query ‘trenches.’ I’ve writer friends who explain in great detail what it feels like to put yourself out there. I’ve never before experienced those things as a writer. Yes, I’ve handed my MS to CPs, but not any further than that.

Pitch Wars has been an incredible real life application of all those discussions. Am I saying this experience is like the query trenches? No, because I’ve never been in the query trenches. I just don’t know if this is only slightly parallel or completely similar. But if there is a common thread I understand, it’s putting yourself out there and hoping for the best or letting your light shine. Whatever cliche you want. And as the mentors wisely repeat, putting yourself out there in and of itself is tremendous. Knowing that factoid, however, does not stop the internal battle or my roller coaster of emotions.

I’ve taken a bar examination. (I think that helps give a reference point of the stress I’ve been under before.) During that time, I did all the yoga, and my shoulders and neck were a nightmare. Well, guess what? Two weeks out from Pitch Wars, the neck and shoulders were a mess. Hitting the button to submit on Saturday? I was a little panicky, which I might could contribute to Safari misbehaving and refusing to submit the first two times. How about this week? Oh, wow. By Tuesday, I was almost my version of ‘normal.’ I did have a bit of road rage I hope to forget. But, I’ve been slowly working my way back to ‘normal.’ I had to ask a writer friend if I was handling the pressure like or kinda-like she had. She told me, “It’s a roller coaster ride of emotions! Your sanity is still intact.” Thank you, Lindsey (for the advice and title to my blog post).

I put a lot of pressure on myself. It’s the way I’m built. Stress is one of my motivators. But so is my love of writing. My support group has been my everything through this whole experience. What has been my helper this week specifically? Music and re-watching The Gilmore Girls. I hope everyone is adjusting to the up and downs (which is not related to watching my inbox for potential requests). I’m talking about the emotions and being emotional outside of your writer life–even when you don’t intend it. I am proud of myself, but that doesn’t stop the down or the up. And I’m so thankful for the #pitchwars tag. I’ve been following all the wonderful tweets (from supportive to clever to funny), and I don’t feel alone. Even in my not normal state, I almost feel normal.

And in honor of all that is magical about Friday, I share with you a link to a video. My writer’s anthem. ‘Moral of the Story’ by Watsky.

*When I say normal, please understand I don’t mean society’s version. I mean your specific brand or version.

**Picture is of my ball-obsessed Beagle, who may love that ball more than me, but who is also a hater of rain.

Poetry Post: Control

Anxiety builds, as if the more it dances through my chest, the more power it could gain to possess . . . me, my soul.

I will it away. With words. You don’t belong here.

Anxiety smiles a wretched smile.

I won’t lose to an emotion. I’m in control.

And as anxiety bares down on my composure . . . on my steel will . . . I keep myself in check.

I won’t lose to an emotion?

But, I know I’m not perfect . . . So, when I do . . . can I forgive myself?

Yes, and with self forgiveness, I truly will never lose to an emotion. With that act, I’m most in control.

Poetry Post: Blog Love

Blog, oh . . . how I love you.
But my time, it stretches thin.

I hate that I will have to choose.
But, I know you’ll forgive.

I get it. You’re part of the art.
But, the hustler in me arcs towards an attainable goal.

Maybe that’s not fair to either of us.
But, there are things I need to know.

Blog, oh . . . how I love you.
But my heart, it will find you in the end.

Poetry Post: Backslip

I lament.

I digress.

I backslip in progress.

Negativity influences the brightest me.

Is this the Universe’s test?

I struggle.

I shame.

I hit myself with blame.

But who can center me . . . but me?

NOW! Open your eyes.

Let it go. Let life be?

Refuse the backslip; the force of negativity.

Enjoy the Writing Ride

I’ve read the John Steinbeck quote I inserted below MANY TIMES. But, I have a duplicitous reaction to it. Part of my brain is like, “Oh, that’s a good idea.” Another part says, “Now, now. Psshh. . . Do it faster. Prove it to yourself.”

Writing is a journey, and I’m newly determined to enjoy every second, whether that joy involves figuring out plot. Or maybe instead it’s the heartache of rejection. I’ll never experience the process for a first time again. I don’t want to fast forward or go backwards. I’m in this moment. I should live here. But why is that so hard?

I know I won’t execute living in the moment perfectly, but I’ve at least made the step to abandon pressuring myself. I’ll put in the work I have time to, and forgive myself for that episode of Lost Girl or tossing the ball with the beagle. I still have to live, keep myself balanced. But, sometimes it’s hard because society has taught ME (me especially) instant gratification is possible. AND it’s incredibly hard to unteach that lesson.

So in the words of a great, “Abandon the idea that you are ever going to finish. Lose track of the 400 pages and write just one page for each day, it helps. Then when it gets finished you are always surprised.” – John Steinbeck from the Fall 1975 issue of The Paris Review.